… not really. But I have come to a few ground-shattering (for me, anyway) revelations / conclusions over the last couple of days, some of which have been reflected upon for a good while, others that are more recent, all of which I have only myself to blame for.
Last night I took the (to me) shocking step of suspending my Eve Online subscription. Those of you who know me will know that’s a pretty drastic measure, but was something I needed to do and force myself to take a break from it. It’s a great game, and one I enjoy a lot, but I have just found myself being less and less interested in it over the past few weeks, not to mention other general realizations that I really need to fucking refocus on real life a bit more outside of work.
All I’ve been doing recently is getting home, eating, and filling the rest of the time with sitting staring at the Eve screen all day through lack of forcing myself to think up other things. It also made me really lose focus on a lot of things whilst kidding myself I wasn’t. Fucking amateur. Simply put, I finally realized that, right now, it just isn’t what I want to be doing but, rather than keep it active like I’ve done over other spells where I’ve been away but I figured this time it just wasn’t going to work. I need to completely shut off from it.
Other than that, my general revelations / reflections have been a shitload more personal and cover stuff that I really ought not to write down here, save causing upset / discomfort to those it involves. Needless to say my reflections of negativity are not on them as such, but rather my interractions with them and the various ways I’ve managed to fuck things up through a combination of my own pride, stubborness, selfishness, and a variety of other screwed up character-traits I like to think I don’t really possess but clearly seem to exhibit.
And I’m going to pack that in there as this seems to be turning dangerously emo, when in reality it should serve as an apology, albeit without directly naming those I’m apologizing to – I’m pretty sure that, if they even read this (unlikely) they’ll know it’s them I’m referring to.
Let’s just say I know I’ve fucked up, and the realization that it’s too late is like a good, solid kick to the ghoolies, in which scenario I’m basically at the still-wobbly knees / wincing stage.