Browsing the good old Scrapheap Challenge the other day and came across these little pearls within this Full-Of-Win Thread. Because everybody needs to laugh sometimes, and this first list had me literally crying with laughter. Crying I tells ya. I also couldn’t breathe. It was a rush. Anyway, here we go:
20 Ways To Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stallmate
1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ‘May I borrow a highlighter?’
2. Say, ‘Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t have put my lips on that.’
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, ‘Damn, this water’s cold.’
5. Drop a marble and say, ‘Oh shit! My glass eye!’
6. Say, ‘Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.’
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, ‘Now how did that get there?’
9. Say, ‘Humus. Reminds me of humus.’
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, ‘Whoa! Easy boy!’
11. Say, ‘Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.’
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, ‘Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?’
13. Say, ‘C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me.’
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, ‘Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.
16. Say, ‘Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?’
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your ‘Cross-Dressers Anonymous’ newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ‘Peek-a-boo!’
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ‘Born Free’.
10 Things not to say in an Ann Summers Shop:-
10. Does this come in children’s sizes?
9. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Aberdeen F.C badge on it?
5. No need to wrap it up, I’ll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. Oh honey, you’ll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2. 90 quid?? You’re just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
Pure win. Loved it.
In other news, looks like I’m missing out on the Power of 2 offer in Eve, because it won’t accept the fact that I’m from the UK when I’m accessing it through an Egyptian IP address. Feckers. Still, it saves me some money, till next year at least.