Dishonest Fuckwit

Well, the other night was a tad strange and I sorta surprised myself in a few things.
Got back from the last safari (Brothers & Elphinstone – tons of stuff to see) and went out for a few drinks that night with one of the guests (my student from the week) and another crew member. Had fun. Then got ‘approached’ by my student.


Now, whilst it probably should be that fact that’s surprising me, it’s not. Nor is the fact that I refused the approach and turned it down (nothing personal against the lady involved, I just didn’t find her attractive to me).

No, what surprised me was the fact that I couldn’t actually come out and say that the reason I didn’t want to was because I didn’t find her attractive (or the truth as it is sometimes known) but instead kept coming up with as many excuses as my drink-addled brain could find as to why it wasn’t going to happen, ranging from “work is work and I’m being professional” to a slightly elaborate “I sort of have a girlfriend at home and would feel bad kind of cheating her” (a not too great and barefaced lie). My only presumption on reflection is that I did this to avoid hurting feelings, but feel that even that wasn’t a great thing to do because if, for example, the person involved were to read this or find out (I don’t think it was too difficult to figure in all honesty) that I had preferred to lie than tell the truth, how does that reflect on me?

I always figured it would be easier (and I’d be capable) to tell people (even those I don’t really know) the truth. But instead now I feel almost dishonest, a dishonest fuckwit in fact. And almost disappointed in myself for that. Would it have been better to tell the truth? Yes. if it were to happen again, would I tell the truth? Honestly, I don’t know. I’d like to think I would but I’m unsure. It was actually easier for me to come up with various bullshit excuses than it was to say “you know what, this is why” and not think too much about it.

But anyway, that’s whats happened and thats how it bothered me, be it major or minor, it was there.

Tarra

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*From the Fish’s Mouth!*

There’s no point in being grown up if you can’t be childish sometimes.
— Dr. Who
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