I can say this as, last night I had a revelation in the form of realizing that I’m… wait for it… just like my father.
It all suddenly seems to make sense.
Whilst I don’t yet have his ability to talk randomly and at length with total strangers, I think I’m beginning to get there.
Like him, I seem to change more when I’ve had a few drinks. Not in terms of complete personality switching you understand, just suddenly being the clown of the party, laughing a lot, you get the drift. I can also talk crap at more length at that point.
I also reckon I’m in the same position in him as far as publicly expressing feelings go, or should that be phrased in the company of other males I don’t know as well. Weird, particularly as I don’t class myself as homophobic (and I don’t think my dad is) but certain feelings of affection (not necessarily directed at other males but just in general) I have a certain shyness about, almost like it shouldn’t be done. Again, this changes after a few drinks.
And, in reciprocation to him, I too seem to struggle with showing feelings to him in a fatherly aspect, indeed I was much more distant from him than I was to my mum (who I’m very close to) until the last couple of years.
I would probably go as far as to say that this last time I was back in the UK was the closest I’ve felt to my dad probably all my life (although I don’t really remember the first few years of it in these terms). Being able to go out for pints with him and things seemed to change our relationship. Weird huh?
/*Beer*: Bringing families closer together/. Proper beer that is. You know, the stuff with actual flavour?
And so concludes my revelation. Not particularly scientific I agree, but nevertheless, there it is. And it brings me onto another passion – proper beer.
Damn, just writing the words makes me long for a proper pint.
I’ve decided this time that I’m going to try and hold out and not drink shit beer for as long as I possibly can (believe me after a couple of months even Egyptian Cat Piss (lager) looks tempting…), and damn, I miss GOOD BEER!! GODDAMMIT! That whole story about Jesus going 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness is nothing – he wouldn’t have known proper beer then anyway, unless he’d travelled to the UK before getting there.
What I wouldn’t do for a pint of Black Sheep… mmm. I’m half tempted to ship some over here the next time I’m back. But what would I bring… hmmm its an interesting question, and I think it is best answered by many things. My current selection would probably include:
1. Black Sheep
2. Skullsplitter (not too much of that though, bit strong)
3. Red McGregor (spelling might be off on that one, I always struggle with foreign names…)
Anyway, I’m going to start a new feature now, that I like to call, /From the Fish’s Mouth/.
Now, you can make any clever meanings you like from this name but let me help you avoid wasting your time by telling you where its from.
As many of you may know (or may not, depends if I wrote it up already… if you don’t know then expect a post on it shortly…) I am currently in the process of trying to Open Source things in my computing life as much as I feasibly can, whilst still being able to enjoy certain features. At work this basically means nearly all my work is Open Source. For everyday tasks I am running Ubuntu 5.10, Breezy Badger (and eagerly awaiting the release of 6.04, the Dapper Drake!) on my PowerBook and using QuodLibet for my music needs, Bluefish and Nvu for website editing stuff, OpenOffice for office-tasks, GIMP for image manipulation, etc etc. The PowerBook isn’t completely open yet though as I have it dual-booting OSX on a small partition for those niggly little tasks (for example I haven’t yet got Kino to use *.avi’s for making films. so I have to boot up and use iMovie. Also, my PADI Instructor Manuals, whilst PDF, will only update via Mac Packages and, despite emailing PADI, they won’t give me straight access to the PDFs, so I have to access them in Mac. But I’m doing pretty well, and I just digressed massively. What does that have to do with fish? Well, there’s a certain script (i believe thats the technical term anyway,named /fortune/, and this script basically controls a whole variety of quotations on as many different subjects and in as many languages as have been written, released and installed by moi. I’ve installed quite a few, but no foreign language ones yet. And as a little gimmick, within the Gnome desktop is a Panel Applet name “X the Fish” where X can be controlled by the user, it started out life as Wanda, I changed it to Dave because I’m self-obsessed. Clicking on this brings up a random ‘fortune’ and then you can sit hitting next and seeing what other surprises you got. The name of the game is that I will end each blog entry that I can with a quote from the fish. Now, I know you didn’t need that long explanation, and I didn’t need to type it, but typing relaxes me, so screw you. Told you, I’m self-obsessed. 🙂 See the end of the blog for the latest /From the Fish’s Mouth/!
And there you were thinking I was going to jump right to it now… tsk, I’m far from finished yet! Well, not that far, but then it’s all relative I guess.
Another reality-check I’ve been struggling with over the last week or so that I’ve had not a lot to do is what I want to do in, well, my life is the term I guess I’m after. And still, somewhat depressingly, the answer is I don’t know.
Or, more to the point, I do know, but it just isn’t particularly achievable.
Basically, I just want to enjoy myself. But then half of me realizes that to do that in this world unfortunately requires some sort of capital. But don’t worry, I’ve thought of that as well (perceptive, huh?). Yep, I’ve thought all about that and decided I need to win the lottery.
Ok, so not a completely achievable task necessarily, nor really a plan I can work on
– – “Erm, yes, Mr Bank Manager, I’d like you to loan me £500,000 right now, but don’t worry, I’ll be able to pay you back when I win the lottery…” – –
Just isn’t going to happen. Even I can accept that fact. But, equally, slaving away on a dive boat isn’t going to make me a stack of money either. Never pretended it would. Whilst it has been fun I don’t really see me doing this exact same job this time next year. Or if I am it will probably only be for a very short while afterwards.
Nothing wrong with it you understand, and I’m still loving diving and indeed working in diving. But for the length of days and ‘cram-factor’ of the work, I think two years is enough for me at this present time.
I still think I’d like to travel elsewhere, but I might first do some college courses or /something/ (maybe even University…) before I do any more of that. I guess the reality is that I just want to go back home for a while. I know I’ve written about it already, but it really shocked me just how much I appreciated the little things about home the last time I was back. And pissed myself off because I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to see.
I can almost see whats going to happen… I’m probably going to end up doing exactly what I didn’t want to do when i left school – comfy little job that requires fuck all effort and doesn’t inspire me at all, but allows me to enjoy the little things that come with being home and with great people. And now, I seriously have to ask myself, is it worth it? Not for next year or when I leave here, but for afterwards. Is it really what I want to do? Is it really what I can do? I know I’d get by, but is it what I want. If I go to University now (probably abroad) can I afford it? Or more to the point can I have the cash available afterwards to really sustain myself (I’ll be at least nearly 22 if I start Uni now)? Does it make sense? Or are college courses / night classes, around a gap-filler job more appropriate? Where will I live? Fine, a year or two at home is no big deal, I get on with my parents fine, even if sometimes it can be a touch limiting. It also feels like I’m scrounging off them too much. So, where and what are my options?
Fuck if I know right now, but I’m sure I’ll find out.
So there’s my soul-searching for today. Guess I need to decide what the plan is fairly soon really, at least as regards this year.
Fucking hell. Responsibility sucks as well. Why do I have to have control over what happens in my life? Can’t you decide for me? Maybe I should host an internet poll… 🙂
Anyway, I know you’ve been lookign forward to this, so here it is: The End.
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*From the Fish’s Mouth!*
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
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